MAKE MILLIONS A DAY SPARE TIME, WHERE DO I SIGN?

I thought these kind of informercials went out in the eighties. Well, when I was flippin' through the channels I noticed this commercial.

We're now in the information age. How deep in the south do you have to live to still believe this crap? How many teeth do you have to be missing to get sucked in to this rip off? How many broken-down Chevys do you need to have (sitting on blocks) in your driveway to order this mess?

If you're that big of a moron to send 40 bucks for something that promises millions, working part time . . . . ( I really don't have anything to say about that).

Me speechless? That alone may be worth 40 bucks to a lot of you.

ANOTHER REMINDER, GAYS CAN'T GET MARRIED

Everytime I see this slut on TV, I'm reminded of prop 8. We can't get married because it's not right in the eyes of God. On the other hand, this whore can marry anytime and anyone she wants.

On another note, why the hell are we making a star out of this trailer-trash-tramp?

I don't get it!

GOD IS NOT HAPPY WITH OBAMA'S BUDGET

Uhm, Pat? What are you doing? Why is the 700 club discussing politics? Who do you think you are, Anderson Cooper?

I was flipping through the channels and noticed my buddy Pat reporting on economic news. He's such a unbiased little news anchor. He was reporting how much he hates Obama's budget and how the U.S. Is going down the holy toilet.

Uhm Pat? I just have one question. . . Do you think ANYONE cares about what you think? Wait a minute, let me rephrase that question. Pat? Do you think any NORMAL person cares about what you think?

HE JUST WON'T GIVE UP HIS TOY

Taz the wonder mutt has a toy that he truly loves. He's had it for years and it was given to him from his grandmother.

The only problem is that this "little buddy" of his has seen its day. All ths stuffing is gone. It smells. It's dirty. I thought that I threw this away but it seems to be popping up over and over again.

I tried to burn it but it will not ignite. I tried to throw it out in the street but it runs back into the house. I tried blowing it up but at the last minute; it picked up the M80 and dropped it down my shorts (that was not cool).

I tried strangling it, it spit in my face. Tried running it over with my car, it got in a Hummer and ran ME over. Tried throwing it off a cliff, it gained flight then hovered over my head and crapped on me. Tried burning it with acid but it protected itself by hiding in a Hostess Twinkie.

So the moral of this story, don't throw away your dogs toys. Let it live, let it do what it's intended to do. . . Make your dog happy.

CAFFEINE MAKES MY WORLD GO 'ROUND

I work a lot of hours. On average I work at least 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. So I need to fuel my day and I do so with caffeine.

Boy do I ever get through my day with caffeine. I start my day with coffee Get through my day with Diet Pepsi and end my day with hot tea. Look at that lucious cup of tea. Isn't it beautiful ?

Please excuse me why I talk to my lovely little cup of hot tea. "Hey tea, what's up? You look so good. Once you go black, you never go back. I need to tea-bag you right now. I need to slop you down with some honey. I need to spank you right now little tea cup. You've been a bad little tea cup You naughty little tea cup. I need to sop you up with a biscuit."

The rest of my tea talk will have to be done in private because thing are going to get a bit kinky. Peace out.

BRUSH BRUSH BRUSH on a Friday night

I know this may look disgusting but I'm trying to make a point. My point is simple and direct. . . Brush your frickin teeth!

I have a giant hole in one of my molars and now I need a root canal. If you've never had a root canal, let me just say - I would rather have my eyebrows burnt off.

So now I need to brush my teeth numerous times a day including just before going to bed (which I am doing right now).

I need to prepare my mouth for a good drilling (and not in a good way).

TV IS DRAINING MY BRAIN

From stories about that little tramp with sixteen kids to stories about the economy, I can't take TV anymore. They're constantly dwelling on the same thing and repeating the the same stories over and over again.

As I type this, I'm watching a CNN story about new unemployment numbers followed by new figures on forclosures. What is goin' on? It feels like the U.S. It taking one giant flush down the toilet.

OK America, don't forget to wipe!